Wednesday, July 14, 2010



O son, please forgive me, I know not how to put it all in writing so please allow me to rattle. It felt like a rollercoaster ride, like swimming in the dark waters of Ibn Arabi's complexities and ending up under Rumi's languid waterfall of emotions. It's not making any sense to you I know. I am simply perplexed.

I met a stranger at a bookstore tonight. We were at the Sufi shelf, as you would have expected. He was contemplating to buy a book on Ibn Arabi's teachings - 'Alone with the Alone'. I told him I have got it and that it's too heavy for me. Somehow, he noticed my Naqshbandi pendant and we started talking about tariqa groups. He said he didn't like the fact that some followers idolized their guru too much. I agreed but we shouldn't put the blame on gurus. If we truly love them we should practise what they preach and not blindly and overly glorifiy them. We also agreed that it's difficult to discipline the followers because we all come from different backgrounds and are at different stages of our unique journeys. He asked me from my experience being involved with a few groups, which was the best or truest. He was expecting me to name one. I think my answers dissappointed him. The truth is, I learned different things from each one. There is no one right club. We are like water which follows the shape of the container, a chameleon maybe; no identity; formless perhaps. Because, as the title suggests, at the end of the day we are alone with the Alone. I told him that if there's one Sufi Book he should read, it is 'The One Alone' by Ibn Arabi but my opinion didn't matter. 'I' don't matter. It is all about He alone.

He didn't seem to belong with any groups because he has the tendency to find something that he dislikes about a particular group. Hence, the thirst for knowledge from books. I sincerely pray that Allah will open his heart and guide him to a genuine guide. There is a saying that if you truly are looking for a guru, Allah will send you one even if you are all alone on a hill.

I ended our conversation abruptly to meet a dear friend, a sweet friend of mine who had kindly thought of none but me when she visited Mawlana Rumi's tomb in Konya, Turkey. I am forever humbled and grateful that she had carried me with her to meet the one I adore. When we talked, I realized that she has been going through severe difficulties. Where have I been? Sadness and sympathies aside, she knew that it was a gift, a very big present from the Lord. He presented her with unsurmountable tests, then gave her sabr (patience), gave her the solutions and eventually gave her shakur (gratitude). Who knows what awaits her in heaven? Subhanallah, it's blessing all the way!  

She said, 'Ezza, what He says is true, He will open doors and provide from sources you never thought exist or possible." 
Waman yattaqillah yaj'allahu makhrajaa wayarzuqhu minhaustu laa yahtasib waman yat tawakkal allAllah wahuwa hasbuhu. Whoever fears Allah, He brings forth a way out for him, and provides him (with what he needs) from where he does not even imagine. And whoever places his trust in Allah, He is sufficient for him. (Qur'an At-Talaq)

So, that's one special friend of mine who lived that Qur'anic verse. Oh, did I tell you why she thought of treating me to dinner tonight? She liked the Maybelline eyeliner I recommended (heh heh). It's smudge-proof alright cos we laughed and we cried!

Ah..."He is the One who makes (one) laugh and makes (him) weep."  - Qur'an An Najm 53:43
SubhanAllah! SubhanAllah!


  1. Salam Sister E

    Hope you are well. In case you were wondering I have not recieved the scarfs yet - but that matters not. I am still humbled to the core that you went to such efforts for me. I was speaking with a dear friend the other day, she has just returned from Kuala Lumper for her honeymoon, instantly I had thought of you, (or any mention of Malayasia will do!), "I have a friend there" I said, a friend in islam I thought in my head.

    She too was elated that I had actually managed to don the hijab - all I could think was: La hawla quwata billah hil al-azim. I am still in awe of the whole experience, another sister saw me and said "Its just a scarf, you only made it hard on yourself, I dont understand why you didnt wear it earlier", she does not wear one - yet. I got angry and the upset, when I reflected on my struggle to wear it and then comprehending that only Allah swt could have given me that strength I was tearful, I rebuked myself at my anger, and just prayed that Allah swt grants her the hidayat and the tawfik.

    Now that I have finally wore it, I can exert full focus on this month, and inshallah the month after - to add faith to my faith. I am literally counting down the days. I have even made a list of things to do, just so I do not lose focus. I have a mixture of emotions regarding Ramadan. I am worried Allah swt will not forgive me for my past sins, when I think how the prophet pbuh used to pray for forgiveness lest he was in forgetfulness of Him, I compare that to the sins I have committed, I am in despair! Do not consider a sin small, instead consider the one you have disobeyed - or something amongst them lines. It saddens me, so much so I feel I will not be forgiven. I try to remind myself that Allah swt is Al-Tawab. Now I am running around in my mind thinking how can I ask for forgiveness? I have decided to exhert myself with full force and sit itikaf inshallah this year. I was wondering have you ever done this? I struggle with Tahajjud at the moment, I have even let go of the attributes of Allah swt that I struggled to learn in the first place. Slowly I am beginning to forget them :(

    Why am I telling you this? As my sister in Islam, I remembered something I read - "Bind yourself with those who call upon Allah morning and evening" (18:27-28). I am trying to do just that. When I read about your friend who remembered you at the tomb of Rumi - how can she not? For I now know why she does, I carry you with me everywhere. She is fortunate to have you, and you her. I enjoy your posts, you have an eloquent style, but more importantly that which appeals to the heart and soul. May Allah swt strengthen your pen (and heart).

    Bless you,


  2. R dearie,

    MashaAllah Tabarakallah. I am humbled and proud at the same time to see the way you articulated your faith so honestly and frankly. Beautiful, you are!

    We are now in the blessed month of Shaaban, so let's pray that with the shafaat from Rasulullah s.a.w, Allah, Al-Afuw, Al-Ghaffur and Al-Ghaffar will forgive our past, present and future sins.

    May I remind you that your Ramadhan this year InshaAllah is already better than the previous years, given the hijrah that you have just made. So please don't be too hard on yourself, be grateful and smile! If we are grateful with whatever little hidayah and tawfik that He has given us, He will give more, InshaAllah.

    Iktikaf would be excellent as we should try to find time to be alone with Him. Alhamdulillah, I have had the opportunities to do iktikaf/suluk but I don't like to talk about the past. I am not any better than you or anyone.

    I just want to share with you what one Ustaz/guru once advised me. He said: Do as much amal/good deeds/worship as you can because we don't know for sure which one is accepted by Him. So just keep doing it. We will not know the degree of our own sincerity. We may start doing something with good sincerity at the start, but it may not be so towards the middle or the end.

    And when you do something (amal), do not depend on it, leave it, don't carry it with you, forget about it. It is said that: "Those who remember their remembrance of God (dhikr)are more heedless than those who forget their remembrance."

    After all we cannot go to heavens with our amal but rather with His rahmat/mercy. InshaAllah.

    Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your kind words and du'a.

    Wassalamualaikum warahmatullah.